Ladies + Fandom

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five good things

Katie

May 13, 2016

1. This was our first week of no-jacket weather in Boston and it has changed my mood entirely. My friends Lisa and Christine are coming tonight to drink rose and eat oysters and I bought four pairs of shorts and started making a list of fun stuff I want to do this summer (basically: drink rose, eat oysters, wear shorts?). My new anxiety management strategy is saying “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT!” out loud in a snotty voice, and it is actually really working!

2. Every year around this time I feel a deep physical need to read a Nora Roberts book, so that is what I am doing right, now. Nora books are so tidy! Everyone accomplishes tasks and falls in love so efficiently! Also, listening to The Raven King, which has rubbed my nerves so raw I kind of can’t be in it for more than a few minutes at a time? I mean that as a compliment. I have a lot to learn from that series.

3. This article about Kerry Washington expertly managing her own publicity, which was fascinating, and this twitter thread of Dahlia Adler’s about what we do or do not require writers to share about themselves, which made me think.

4. My new office bookshelves which (and if it sounds like I am bragging it is because I am bragging) my husband built with his own two hands WHILE I WAS ON VACATION. Whenever somebody says something dickish about YA/high school romances from now on I am going to whip out a picture of these bookshelves, point out that my high school boyfriend built them for me at the age of thirty-one, and then I am going to add that he also stuck an orchid on my desk, which he did.

5. I was on vacation seeing Beyonce, who was obviously and of course amazing and I felt lucky and honored just to be there. I also felt like a guest at someone else’s house, which made me think a lot about this short essay about loving things that are not meant for you which my friend Emery Lord sent to me as part of Ladies + Fandom and which I never posted until now because I am a garbage person. Enjoy, and happy Friday! I love you a lot.

I am a jack of many fandoms, and a master of none. I’d say I’m way more into Harry Potter than the average civilian…but way less than the average person in the YA community. Despite being a 90s child, I was never into boy bands. Sure, I’ve seen Star Wars and Star Trek and LotR. I love Gilmore Girls, and I will kick your ass at Friends trivia.

But I’ve never written fanfiction. I didn’t even know what it was until a few years ago. I’ve never been to a fandom con or cosplayed. (Wait…I did dress up as Britney to see Britney perform in Vegas, if that counts!) The things I love don’t have fandoms the way, say, Marvel comics does. Or maybe they do, and it’s just that I’m not interested in that way. I love spin class but I don’t feel the need to participate in any kind of culture other than showing up to class. I love really well-roasted coffee and chocolate with unusual ingredients. I love design blogs and short stories and a lot of indie bands that I’ll see if they’re anywhere in the vicinity of my city.

So, I was going to fill out my survey about RuPaul’s Drag Race, which is perhaps the closest I get to participating in a fandom. (One of my best friends wrote this incredible piece about why Drag Race is the best, and he articulates it better than I could.) Drag Race lends itself to fandom; with its abundant catchphrases and inside jokes. This year, I watched the finale at a drag bar with my husband, and then got to see the queens perform in Chicago.

But I didn’t feel quite right answering fandom questions about it, and here’s why:

Drag Race is my ideal world, really. People from all different backgrounds, a huge range of ages and backgrounds coming together over art and identity. Humor and grit. Then add a LOT of fake lashes and glitter. And the truth is. I relate deeply to a lot of the guys. Many of them are channeling pain into art, into character. It’s what I do with writing, so it feels familiar to me, and inspiring. I knew I was hooked when Ben DeLaCreme shared that having a drag character helps nudge him away from depression. This part, I relate to.

But here’s the coinciding truth: I could not possibly relate to RuPaul’s queens the way that gay men do- and especially the way the drag community does. Many of these performers got into drag after childhoods of mirthless teasing about femininity- or downright abuse. Since that is not my experience or culture, I can’t know the validation, the relief, of having it portrayed- celebrated!- on TV.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot with Beyonce releasing Formation this weekend. The song and video are by, about, and for Black girls. I think it’s fine for other people to enjoy it! But this powerful, intentional show of Black womanhood? White people can’t interact with it the same way.

When you are not part of the marginalized community that art is depicting, you can’t connect with it the same way. Bottom line.

So, that’s my fandom struggle. How to love something without taking anything from a community it belongs to more. How to support it without overstepping. I don’t have concrete answers about how this is done. What I’ve got is: don’t try to dominate the narrative. Acknowledge that you view it through a lens of privilege. What else? I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

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Ladies + Fandom: E.K. Johnston

Katie

July 22, 2015

When I first had the idea for a Ladies + Fandom series, I thought to myself: “I am not even going to do this if I can’t get Kate.” E. K. Johnston is my go-to funny, thoughtful human for all things fandom-related (and also just like…all things). Unsurprisingly, she gives great interview.

E.K. Johnston had several jobs and one vocation before she became a published writer. If she’s learned anything, it’s that things turn out weird sometimes, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Well, that and how to muscle through awkward fanfic because it’s about a pairing she likes.

You can follow Kate on Twitter (@ek_johnston) to learn more about Alderaanian political theory than you really need to know, at her website for book info (ekjohnston.ca) or on Tumblr (ekjohnston) if you’re just here for pretty pictures.

Who/what are you fannish about? Why do you love it/them so much? Is there anything you don’t love about it/them?

I am fannish about a lot of things, but for purposes of this interview, I am picking a favourite. It was hard. But I think the TV show SANCTUARY really distills my fannish experience quite well, and also I flipping adored it.

SANCTUARY was a great show for a bunch of reasons, but my loves for it revolve mostly around how Amanda Tapping was the lead (so, a woman in her forties), and also that the show as explicitly about how we treat Other. It had action and mad science and back story and period costume and explosions and exactly the right amount of kissing and also a lot of fire arms. The only thing I didn’t really love was Will, but that was mostly because he was entirely forgettable. There’s a meta thing about being the straight white dude on a show specifically about people who are Other, perhaps, but my failure to connect with him largely relates to the fact that he never got any better at his job over the years we watched him work it.

What’s your favorite part of being a fan? What’s your least favorite part?

I think my answer for both of these things is “community”. We are great at supporting one another, most of the time, but when a fandom goes sour, it goes sour. For example, I really and genuinely like all of the Star Wars movies, which means not only do a lot of people assume I’m an idiot or a fake, but also that I am CONSTANTLY exposed to a barrage of, for lack of a better term, microaggressions. Still, the good has more than outweighed the bad, at least for me.

Have you ever written fic or made fanart (of this thing or of other things)? Would you? Would it wig you out if someone wrote fic or made fanart of your work, would you think it was awesome, or somewhere in between?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean: Yes. I have. Since 2003, I have committed some 625K of fanfic, across 40 fandoms. (And a few fanvids, but I am not very good at vidding, so the only one I really like to mention is the John Druitt Character Study vid to PAINT IT BLACK which more or less did what I wanted it to.)

I would love to see fanart for OWEN that isn’t made by my nephew, and someone made a video for A THOUSAND NIGHTS already that is GORGEOUS. I probably would not read the fic (because of Reasons), but knowing it exists would make me quite happy.

What has your experience been as a lady in fandom? Do you feel like fandom is a gendered space? Have there ever been times you felt unwelcome?

My introduction to fandom was on a very moderated chat board called Your Tax Dollars At Work (it was all crime procedurals, predominantly CSI and Without a Trace, but the other shows were somehow related to the government), and after that I moved to LiveJournal, which is also very curated. What I’m saying is that my fannish experience has been entirely controlled, and mostly contained in something I built myself. By the time I moved to Twitter and Tumblr (move incomplete: I will cling to my lj until the world burns down), I already had a pretty large group of trusted friends, and they mostly agree with me about things.

There is a thing somewhere about men collect and women create (so fanboys want all the action figures and women do art, though obviously there is some crossover), and I think that is probably true. That said, it’s easy to find and/or make a safe space online (though it takes time and effort). I have never felt unwelcome in any of my fandoms, and I hope I’ve never turned anyone off of something either.

What has being a fan taught you?

To listen, more than anything. To find the thing you love and then be willing to see its flaws without killing yourself or it. To understand that you can feel so many things about something and someone else will feel nothing at all. To find the cracks in stories where conversations and education can happen, and to widen them enough to fit in everyone who wants to know more, without breaking anything. To dream. To want more and make it yourself, because there is no one else who is better qualified.

How do you think being a fan (of this thing or of other things) interacts with or influences your writing?

Joss Whedon has rather famously said that if you declare yourself politically you destroy yourself artistically, and I get what he’s trying to say, but I’ll add that I think he’s a bit of a coward for limiting himself that much. The community of people I met online in fandom has expanded my awareness exponentially, and yes, that DOES mean I have to take more consideration when I write things about race and sex and so on, but without that sort of progress, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?

More specifically, SANCTUARY has shaped my writing and world-view in ways I can’t even measure. For starters, I wrote almost 200K of fic in 2011, and the improvement in my writing is kind of fabulous. I met some of the best writers I’ve ever known in that fandom, and they helped me get better both with words and with social outlook.

Also, I will probably be trying to duplicate a relationship like Helen/John/James for the rest of my life, because, just, damn.

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Ladies + Fandom: Tessa Gratton

Katie

July 15, 2015

I am so excited to be getting back on the Ladies + Fandom horse, and this week’s interview is SUPER RAD: yes hello, I’m chatting with the inimitable Tessa Gratton.

Tessa Gratton has wanted to be a paleontologist or a wizard since she was seven. Alas, she turned out too impatient to hunt dinosaurs, but is still searching for a someone to teach her magic. After traveling the world with her military family, she acquired a BA (and the important parts of an MA) in Gender Studies, then settled down in Kansas to tell stories about monsters, magic, and teenagers. She’s the author of the Blood Journals Series and The United States of Asgard Series as well as more than a dozen short stories. Visit her at tessagratton.com, @tessagratton, tessagratton.tumblr.com.

Who/what are you fannish about? Why do you love it/them so much? Is there anything you don’t love about it/them?

I consider myself a fan of many things, mostly TV shows (Leverage, X-Files, recently Sense8, !!!!!HANNIBAL!!!!!!!!!) and some movies (The Winter Soldier, Pacific Rim, Mad Max: Fury Road) but the thing I really REALLY get hard core about is… Chris Evans/Steve Rogers.

It’s difficult to put my FEEEEEEELS into words beyond melting and sighs and exclamations of perfection. I came to Evans via Tumblr, by which I mean: I knew who he was and had seen him in several movies I liked (The First Avenger and Sunshine, for example), but it wasn’t until I became active on Tumblr about 3 years ago that my eyes were opened to the magic of fandom + gifsets + visual fanfiction. I’d only ever read some Harry Potter fanfiction (HARRY/DRACO 4EVER) and random stuff friends would send me, so it was like this perfect storm after The Avengers came out. I was primed for STONY* and then STUCKY* au gifsets a year later.

*Steve/Tony and *Steve/Bucky respectively. But the truth is I enjoy Steve/Anybody. (Steve/Sam and Steve/Peggy and Steve/Maria… I mean, it goes on.)

Part of what I love is the sheer beauty of this incredible golden retriever’s person. I just love to look at him and admire the perfect combination of genetics and hard work and movie magic that make him appear the way he appears. On a less superficial level, I love the character Steve Rogers because he speaks to me and what I need from my country and from movies about my country (until the most recent movie at least. *side-eye to Age of Ultron*). He is LIKE me, which is probably arrogant to say, but I see a lot of myself in the character. As for Evans himself, he’s a safe, emotional, bro-boyfriend who can’t hurt me and I never actually have to talk to.

What don’t I love? I don’t love that I’m not in control of Steve Rogers. 😉

But seriously, Steve Rogers is a character in a franchise that does NOT always interpret him how I VERY FIRMLY BELIEVE he should be. And Chris Evans is a human being who I don’t actually know. I know his online persona, the face he shows to the world, and let’s be honest: it’s amazing. Every once in a while he says something problematic, but so far (SO FAR) he’s recognized his mistakes and apologized in what seems like a genuine way. I don’t read fanfiction about Evans himself, by the way. As a public figure through my published writing, I need to keep the real person/fandom line a little more strictly than I think most people might. The Chris Evans I adore is not the real one, it’s the Chris Evans cobbled together by the media.

What’s your favorite part of being a fan? What’s your least favorite part?

I love that fandom has it’s own language that covers so many FEEEEEEELS. There are shortcuts and new phrases and re-appropriated grammar for expressing the joyous, painful, ecstatic experience of being a superfan or shipper of something. If I write ;___; for example, everybody in fandom knows I’m not just making a cry face, I’m making a specific sort of happy-to-be-crying-bc-the-feels-are-so-intense sort of cry face. And ;___________; is just more intense than ;____;.

My least favorite thing about fandom is its tendency to suddenly begin policing the feelings and opinions of others. Critique and discussions of problematic aspects of the things we love are not only important, they’re necessary, but there’s a difference between critical discussion and hateful policing of other fans (and creators).

I have not! I would be terrible at it because I’m terrible at playing in somebody else’s sandbox. Once I was hired to write a short story in an already existing world of a role-playing game and I hated every moment of it despite LOVING the game and loving my eventual product. I felt hemmed in on all sides with rules and worldbuilding another person invented. I need the freedom to make up anything I want or recreate rules or basically do whatever the hell I want. I know some fanfiction writers DO all of those things (especially in AUs) but it’s not the kind of fic I love to read.

I love fanwork of my books. It’s rare, but always delights me because I know for somebody to take that time they must have been touched by my work right in their feels. The first time I saw fanart of Signy from The Strange Maid I lost it. That book mattered to my heart and knowing it hit somebody else similarly was incredibly important and rewarding.

What has your experience been as a lady in fandom? Do you feel like fandom is a gendered space? Have there ever been times you felt unwelcome?

Fandom is definitely gendered space and anybody who says differently is either not paying attention or is selling something. Fandom is considered by our culture to be a woman’s space, so no matter what gender you are within it, you’re engaging with space that is marked feminine and all the trappings that come with women’s space, both positive and especially negative.

There are places I’ve felt unwelcome – but mostly those places aren’t MEANT for me. I’m a creator, and I’m a bisexual white woman in America. There are spaces where I’m NOT welcome for very good reasons.

I also don’t engage with fandom in a very deep way: I don’t write fanfic or make fanedits, I only enjoy and share them. I opine about my favorite shows and movies and books and characters, but I do that in all spaces, not just fandom spaces. My rather shallow participation shelters me from a lot of the sexism and downsides to being a fan.

What has being a fan taught you?

It’s really driven home the potential for passionate reactions to anything. I try to never underestimate fandom or reader reactions anymore.

How do you think being a fan (of this thing or of other things) interacts with or influences your writing?

Consuming media – stories in TV or movie or book form – is necessary to being a storyteller, in that it refills my well by reminding me what kind of stories I love, what I need from characters, what I want from books and TV and movies and what I don’t. Participating in criticism helps me tease out themes in my own work and learning to recognize problematic material in the media (and fandoms) I love helps me recognize my own prejudices and privileges.

Of course, all of that can be separated from fandom, and fandom doesn’t have to include the above points of view. I like to think I’m a better fan when I’m in analysis mode, when I’m trying to find over-arching cultural themes and dominant discourses. Those things in turn make me a better artist.

Anything else you want to add?

I keep my tumblr (tessagratton.tumblr.com) pretty focused on my specific tumbler aesthetic of poetry, art, magic, death, war, and politics, but every Friday I post a collection called “Fandom Friday” with all the great fandom stuff I’ve seen that week.

Here are my favorite fanfics right now:

Harry/Draco: “Transfigurations” http://archiveofourown.org/works/59676

Stucky: “Out of the Dead Land” http://archiveofourown.org/works/1871955/chapters/4031307

And “This, You Protect” http://archiveofourown.org/works/1752638/chapters/3745571

Stony: “The (Not Really) Secret Origins of Movie Night” http://archiveofourown.org/works/662044

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Ladies + Fandom: Carrie Mesrobian

Katie

June 24, 2015

You guys! It is a great day, because it is the day I am talking Carrie Mesrobian about Ladies + Fandom! In addition to writing one of my favorite YA books of the last couple years, Carrie has one of the best twitter feeds in the whole universe. I knew she’d have interesting stuff to say about this topic, AND I WAS RIGHT.

Carrie Mesrobian is the author of the YA novels Sex & Violence, a 2014 Morris Award finalist, Perfectly Good White Boy and Cut Both Ways (forthcoming, September 2015). A native Minnesotan, she teaches writing at the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis, where she lives with her husband and daughter. Find out more at www.carriemesrobian.com or follow her Twitter: @CarrieMesrobian

Who/what are you fannish about? Why do you love it/them so much? Is there anything you don’t love about it/them?

At the moment I’m very fannish about The Walking Dead and Supernatural. Supernatural I’m late to getting into and haven’t watched up to the current season but I’m in total love with the Winchester Brothers and the whole insanity of the show. I couldn’t say exactly what it is about that show that I love, beyond always loving demonic horror and male banter. Also, on Supernatural, even though it’s casted heavily with bros, there is SO MUCH CRYING. BRO TEARS! It’s like Christmas for me.

The Walking Dead is a little more complicated to explain. I don’t like gore or zombies, really. And I haven’t read the comics. But what I love about TWD is similar to what I loved about that show Friday Night Lights. The Walking Dead isn’t really a show about zombies, though the first few episodes really are heavy on the gore and grossness. Friday Night Lights, while centered on football, isn’t really about football; it’s about the relationships surrounding the football coach and his family. The Walking Dead is about survival and how that mandate changes human interaction.

My favorite character is Daryl Dixon, who is played by Norman Reedus. Daryl isn’t even in the comics; they wrote him into the show and he became a fan favorite even though he wasn’t a part of the main cast at first. What I love about Daryl is the very real fantasy he provokes: he’s a man’s man, a survivor, someone uniquely bred to live outside of civilization as a savage. He’s perfect for the Zombie Apocalypse. But the fantasy is that he’s also a man who has a deep moral core. Daryl is so brimming with compassion and empathy that he’s never been given a chance to express and his tragic irony is that he’s finally able to be his best self now that the world is become barbaric. I don’t think that’s how a man like Daryl would behave necessarily, but I enjoy entertaining the fantasy. Also, I’m a total marshmallow of a person. In terms of post-apocalyptic survival, I’m not making it in anyone’s life boats. I hate shooting guns; I hate camping. I’d be a total ninny about bugs and discomfort. So nothing is more attractive to me than someone who embodies all those skills. People like that make me feel literally and psychologically safe.

It also helps that I find Norman Reedus so goddamn beautiful it makes my stomach hurt.

What’s your favorite part of being a fan? What’s your least favorite part?

My favorite part is the unity of both my friends in real life and online. In real life, we have Sunday Night Walking Dead potlucks on my street, where we all make food, eat together, and then watch the show. (You don’t really want to eat while watching TWD.) Even when the season ends, we still maintain the practice because there is so much good TV that is scheduled on Sunday nights (like Game of Thrones, another show you shouldn’t eat while watching). It’s a nice way of easing back into Monday, I think.

I love talking about TWD and Supernatural with people online because we have a shared short-hand reference and also it’s just fun to be enthusiastic about things that aren’t real. Which is really the best part of fandom.

My least favorite part is having to explain to people why I love these things, especially if they are snobby about watching television. I feel sorry for people who don’t watch television sometimes. And I hate how they act like I’m some consumerist loser for enjoying TV narrative. There’s a lot of shit on TV, no doubt. But so many of the serial dramas are at the top of their game.

Have you ever written fic or made fanart (of this thing or of other things)? Would you? Would it wig you out if someone wrote fic or made fanart of your work, would you think it was awesome, or somewhere in between?

I write fan fiction for The Walking Dead. I had never done that before, though. I had never understood why people do this! I thought it was crazy that my teenaged students wrote fan fiction. I felt like they needed to be more “original” or something. But since then I’ve met up with enough fans online who kind of explained it to me. How fan fic and fanart are often compensatory, making up for narratives that exclude certain populations, like LGBT folks or people of color. I think that’s very cool and subversive and also just so fucking fun!

Also, I think teenagers should write fan fiction. It’s a great way to practice story-telling and sentence-making. And it’s much like the imitative training all students of a creative craft undertake: drawing nudes, painting bowls of fruit, writing novels that are total Harry Potter ripoffs, etc.

I like fan fiction that has sex in it, because I am a total sleazy prurient dirtbag. All my fic is rated Explicit because, you know, why the hell not, right? All of it involves Daryl Dixon, though his partners vary (usually Carol, once Michonne and once Beth). The thing that’s enjoyable about this is that it’s writing, but since it’s not my world, I have less at stake. I’m doing it just for the enjoyment of writing. There’s no deadline, no contract, no money involved. It’s very pure. I work out lots of different themes that I didn’t even know I was considering in fanfic. And a couple times I’ve lifted key turns of phrase in sex scenes that have ended up in later drafts for “real” books. So that’s kind of handy, because I think part of writing good sex scenes is coming up with fresh turns of phrase about these very familiar physical activities.

I would LOVE it if someone did fic of my books! It would signal their enthusiasm and their willingness to immerse themselves into my world. It would highly flatter me to think that someone else was as immersed in my Fake World and its Fake People to the same degree I am! A lot of fan fic is written because people have curiosities about secondary characters that they want to see more involved; that would be nothing to me but complimentary.

What has your experience been as a lady in fandom? Do you feel like fandom is a gendered space? Have there ever been times you felt unwelcome?

The main fandom I’m involved in is TWD and that’s basically the Caryl fandom – people who ship Carol Peletier and Daryl Dixon. It’s mostly women my age (I’m 40) and so aside from it being very heterocentric, it’s felt quite welcoming and good. I’ve never felt unwelcome; in fact, I’ve had my stories entered in little fan contests and people were really nice about inviting me to submit stories and be a part of various fansites. I like that they don’t know anything about me except for my fanfic, too; it feels like a true complime

What has being a fan taught you?

It’s taught me that the obsessive enthusiasm that I’ve always had isn’t anything to be ashamed of. And that’s good, because it’s a major fuel for writing my stories.

How do you think being a fan (of this thing or of other things) interacts with or influences your writing?

I think I’m always mulling over male archetypes of one shape or another. I’m very influenced by masculine power, because I’m really bewildered, annoyed and angered by how patriarchy hems in my life. I want to understand how men move through this world that is very dangerous and hostile toward me as a woman and I want to imagine myself into a world where men could be different. The funny thing is, I was not that enamored of the TWD story line or Daryl Dixon himself, until Carol Peletier, who is a mother and a woman living with domestic abuse, entered the picture. To see carol become strong, to become an object of focus and admiration for Daryl, who is living with his own history of abuse, was the thing that was fresh and new for me. Carol starts out as a mother and wife and the show proceeds to strip her of both identities in short order. She’s in a weird, in-between place. And that is where following the story becomes central to my own concerns, because this strays from the tropes just a tiny bit, and yet it feels so dynamic and surprising. That pivot of cliche when it comes to gender and culture is what interests me greatly.

Anything else you want to add?

Follow your fannish impulses, kids! There you will find so many riches for your own creative adventures.

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Ladies + Fandom: Corey Ann Haydu

Katie

June 17, 2015

Anybody who’s spent time in this space (or has met me for more than five seconds) knows that when I love something, I love it VERY MUCH. Fandom’s in my bones, it’s one of my big happinesses, and over the years it’s also been a way to connect with some of the raddest women I’ve ever had the honor to know. And so I had an idea: why not chat with some of those awesome ladies about the awesome stuff they’re into? Each Wednesday this summer you’ll find an interview with a different author-friend about what she loves, why she loves it, and how she shows that love to the world.

AND WE’RE STARTING WITH COREY ANN HAYDU.

Corey Ann Haydu: Author Headshot Session by Navdeep Singh Dhillon of Pataka Design

Corey Ann Haydu is the author of OCD LOVE STORY, LIFE BY COMMITTEE, MAKING PRETTY and her upcoming middle grade debut, RULES FOR STEALING STARS. A graduate of NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and The New School’s Writing for Children MFA program, Corey has been working in children’s publishing since 2009. In 2013, Corey was chosen as one of Publisher Weekly’s Flying Starts. Her books have been Junior Library Guild Selections, Indie Next Selections, and BCCB Blue Ribbon Selections. Corey also teaches YA Novel Writing with Mediabistro and is adapting her debut novel, OCD LOVE STORY into a high school play, which will have its first run in Fall 2015. Corey lives in Brooklyn with her dog, her boyfriend, and a wide selection of cheese.

Who/what are you fannish about? Why do you love it/them so much? Is there anything you don’t love about it/them?

I am a huge Counting Crows fangirl. I discovered them 20 years ago, when I was twelve and getting my first CD player. Up until that point my musical taste had been limited to Oldies 103.3, an excellent Boston radio station that played Beach Boys and Beatles and The Temptations and everything great that came out of the 60s. But at twelve I was ready to dive in to music that went darker, and Counting Crows fit the bill. I’m not sure how it’s possible that songs that appealed to me at 12 are still my favorite songs at 32, and every age in between. But August and Everything After is the definition of a great album– every song hits something different and important in me, and when I listen I feel understood. I am a devoted fan– I didn’t mind when they went a little more mainstream in the late 90s and early 2000s. I’m on board for anything they do. I love Adam’s voice and I love how he performs– emotionally, dramatically, creatively. But mostly I love their lyrics and the way they understand the intersection of love and pain.

What’s your favorite part of being a fan? What’s your least favorite part?

I love that I have something that feels like it helps define who I am. It’s comforting to hold on to tangible things, and say this is me! I am a person who really loves Counting Crows! It gives me so much comfort to listen to their music. I feel less alone, I feel emotionally present, I feel connected, even, to my former selves– the 12 and 15 and 24 year old who also loved Counting Crows. I’ve changed so much over the last 20 years and I love that there’s something consistent in my love for this music.

As for my least favorite part, I’ve never been a Good Fan in terms of being knowledgable. I’ve seen Counting Crows perform almost every year for the last 15 years and a few times before that as well. But I don’t have a connection with the band members as individuals. I think Adam Duritz is a really special performer and I think the rest of the band is exceptional as well, but I’m not interested in who they are individually. I don’t know anything about them. I don’t know all the inspiration behind their songs– I know what they’ve meant to me, and what they’re about for me.

I haven’t ever made fan art (NO ONE would want to see my attempts at art of any kind) and I’ve never written fan-fiction. I think it’s related to what I said above– that I’m not as interested in the community aspect of fandom. I actually wish I was– I think it’s a beautiful thing and I love being part of passionate communities. Theoretically, it sounds great. But it’s not where my heart is. My personal fandom is about crying at a concert with a hand over my heart when I sing along with A Long December and feeling like the song is being sung directly to me or putting in my headphones and absolutely blasting Holiday in Spain or Anna Begins or hell, St. Robinson in his Cadillac Dream which has one of my favorite Counting Crows lines ever: “There’s a hole in the ceiling down through which I fell

There’s a girl in the basement coming out of her shell
And there are people who will say they knew me so well
I may not go to heaven..
I hope that you go to hell!”

As for fans of MY work– I’d be so honored to receive any kind of fan art or fan fiction! I think however people want to express their love of a work of art is fantastic– for me that’s being alone with it, reliving memories in my head, touching base with the feeling of surviving sad moments and connecting to the idea that someone has written an exterior expression of everything in my heart. But I love that for other people that expression of love for a project is a drawing or a poem or a continuation of the characters’ journeys. The point is to connect– and sometimes that happens soul to soul and sometimes that happens in more tangible ways.

What has your experience been as a lady in fandom? Do you feel like fandom is a gendered space? Have there ever been times you felt unwelcome?

I suppose since my fandom feels more personal and less community oriented, this hasn’t been a huge problem for me. That said, I do think that expectation to have Facts About the Band instead of “just” Feelings About Their Work feels somewhat gendered at times. I think the idea that memory and personal connection has less meaning that a trove of trivia can have gendered implications.

That said, when I’m at a Counting Crows concert, it feels like a decidedly ungendered space. The wonderful thing of being a fan of something that’s been around a while is that most of the other really big fans are also tried and true, old school fans. I think the division is more generational than gendered. And if I’m honest, I probably participate in the generational judgment. When I’m at a show, I want to see other people in their 30s and 40s connecting to the music with me. It’s a snobby, unfair thing.

What has being a fan taught you?

I think I’ve learned the value of loving something hard. I’m not a natural fan– I love a lot of things, but most of them with a bit of detachment. But there’s something to the pure joy of fandom– the reveling in something someone else has made– that I think I needed in my life. I’ve learned that you can love without a “point” and without “hipness”. I’ve learned about owning something that feels mine, and not apologizing for it. I’m going to Rome in a few weeks and of course I am going because Italy is amazing and I need a vacation. But the idea for the trip came about because Counting Crows are playing there and I felt secure enough in my fandom to say “It would mean something to me to go see this band perform in this particular city.” I don’t apologize for being a fan anymore. I don’t act like it’s silly to spend a night in Rome at a Counting Crows concert. I’ve decided it’s okay for that to be a real, serious, important part of my life. I’ve decided it doesn’t have to be a silly thing. It can be a real thing. It can matter in a real way.

How do you think being a fan (of this thing or of other things) interacts with or influences your writing?

Honestly, it’s easy to shut down a bit emotionally when I’m writing– to write from a more logistical place. Some days I have to write from a less emotionally open place, a less vulnerable place. But being a fan (specifically a Counting Crows fan) reminds me to open up when I’ve been too boundaried. Being a fan reminds me what it is to be moved by something. Also, that music in particular gives me something to draw from when I’m feeling emotionally empty. It’s not always an option to draw from your personal life or the people you love. But Counting Crows are always there for me to engage with. They help me find the emotional, open, ready place in myself.

Being a fan also reminds me of why I write– to move people and connect with them and give voice and expression to bits and pieces of the human experience. It’s easy to forget why we write. Fandom reminds me.

Anything else you want to add?

Is this the space where I can say that if you somehow are not intimately acquainted with August and Everything After, get on that? Honestly, listen to every album of theirs and mostly to the lyrics and listen to songs on repeat because listening to songs on repeat is a gift we’ve all been given.

Don’t be afraid to connect with something in a big, ridiculous, intense way. It feels pretty effing good.